Dear America: Volume I; Intro, Renegade Tactics, Freedom and Rubber Boots
Monday, April 7, 2008
Dear America,
Due to the recent retirement of certain blogstars, I, from-hither-to known as Snake Plissken, have taken it upon myself to due renegade inconsistent blog posts on a fairly consistent theme. The theme will be, more or less:
To write about exports from the United States of America to Bulgaria which need to be de-exported or un-exported and, contrarily to write about things present in Bulgaria that need to be imported into the USA. These will not all be tangible things; some will be ideas, attitudes, soulja boy, etc...Like any great blogger, I will post as inspired, which is contrary to the usual (or at least ideal) of the blogstars - to have one person post on the same theme on the same day every week. If this confuses you, send comments to me personally at my friend Kellen's website. My main inspiration for these tactics comes from the ending of the epic film, "Escape from L.A."
So, to begin, again. Today we will start on a positive note, with something America needs to import from Bulgaria. Ahem.
Dear America,
You know what gets me down?
Walking through the rain, snow, hurricanes, giant mud puddles, piles of sludge, swamps and rivers. At least, back in America I thought these things got me down. Coming to Bulgaria, however, I realized that what really got me down my inability to tackle these obstacles without soaking my pants, having a shoe slip off, getting covered in mud, losing all hope, etc... In America, it seemed there was no viable solution to this problem. At least, if there was a viable solution, it wasn't available for 12 leva every Thursday at the local market.
I give you, knee-high rubber boots:
Bulgaria, knowing what's going on, has made the solution to all your wet-walking woes readily available. These boots, beyond being completely waterproof, are green and magically reach the knee on whoever wears them. Sure, you could buy Gore-Tex or other similar lofty waterproof and breathable boots, but what good are those going to do you when you have to walk through knee-high mud? Not a whole lot, that's for sure.Let's have a closer look:
Look at those soles! My guess is that if dinosaurs had existed, even they wouldn't be able to penetrate these boots. As I said, these boots are available at least every week at the local market, and upon inquiring to each vendor on the cost, they all told me 12 leva, which in a couple months will be about 12 dollars.After inquiring, I discovered that it is not a state policy to ensure that all such rubber boots cost 12 leva, it is however, required by the unwritten, unspoken and unheard of moral code of the rubber boot salespeople.
What about the inside?
The white you see is not an illusion or a lining associated with the production of the boots. Oh no, it is the reflection of a secret coating that, once it senses the boot is on a foot, it gives you all the knowledge necessary to be a shepherd in the hills of the Balkans.I contacted a local Peace Corps volunteer to try on the boots. As soon as he put them on, he struck into this pose and told me there was a wolf 13 kilometers away threating our goats.
After taking off the boots, he forgot all about it, like when they flash that memory eraser in that movie the Men in Black. Regardless, the evidence speaks for itself.
Fear not, however, America, the coating does not have to be on the boots you import. So, in conclusion, America, Bulgaria knows what's going on so, import these rubber boots and you will never have to worry about getting the area from your knee down wet again.Importly and Exportly Yours,
Snake Plissken.
PS On a related note, recently, in Bulgaria, I saw the music video by Will Smith for "Men in Black" -- this needs to be un-exported. Immediately. It makes everyone think all we do in America is bust a groove with aliens that at first are scary but then turn out to just want to dance -- a complete misrepresentation of the status of human/alien/dancing relationships in the lower 48 (Snake Plissken does not count Hawaii and Alaska as states).
Posted byb22blogstars at 10:00 AM
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